Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Smothering Feeling......Nesting, maybe?

I feel as though I'm about to be smothered by an overhelming sense of urgency. 

But why?

I guess it's because I'm getting so close to the birth of our first child. At least that's what I'm going to blame it on. It seems I see an urgent need to do something......well.......everywhere. Is this the "neesting" that I've heard so much about? If so, I'm not sure I care for it. It's not just at home when I feel it, it's at the store, too. I will have a thought, and realize that I see 10 things that need to be accomplished........yesterday. Then when I am at home, I get to thinking about how much stuff is in our small little house, and how there's no room for everything, and how we're getting ready to have another person living here, and there will be even more stuff as time goes on, and where exactly am I going to put it all?!?!?!?!

It's about that time when I start trying to calm myself down, and say that we just need to take things one day at a time. Thankfully, babies don't arrive with luggage, so we'll survive. Once I get calmed down from that, I realize I just have about 5 weeks left. 5 WEEKS! Basically one month. Do I have the nursery ready? No. Do I have all of his clothes washed and put away so I won't have to worry about laundry for a couple days? No. Do we have a name picked out? NO! 

So after this realization hits home, the smothering feeling comes back. 

The other problem with this "smothering feeling" (hereafter called SF), is that it's intermittent. One minute it's there, strong as ever, and the next, I am the most relaxed person you have ever seen. I don't really know how this works, if it's a hormone imbalance, or an emotional breakdown of sorts, or what exactly happens in your body to cause this feeling, but I have to say it is my least favorite part of this whole experience so far. 

Granted, I've had some pain and discomfort, and in all honesty I know that will just continue to get stronger over the next month, but in reality, I've had a tremendously easy pregnancy. 
My morning sickness was minimal, and limited to the first trimester, I've gained (so far) 19 lbs. Perfect blood pressure, no diabetes, no problems at all, really, thank you, Lord. And I really have enjoyed being pregnant. It has been amazing to watch myself grow, week after week, month after month, and to start feeling him move was that best thing ever. Maybe I just feel that way because I've wanted this for so long, I really don't know. Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be a mommy, and now that it's actually happening, the thought is terrifying. 

I remember having somthing similar to the "SF" about the time I got married. 
The house had been bought, and Dan was living there, the invitations out, the church decorated, my dress was hanging in the doorway, ready to be worn.........and the day before the wedding, I freaked. I remember spending the entire day in tears. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop crying. And not tears of joy, mind you, it was tears of "Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm actually doing this.........why didn't someone talk me out of it!! What's wrong with me?!?!?!" 
Now, when you read that, I know you're thinking something like "If you didn't love him and want to marry him, why did you do it, you dope?" But that's not true at all. I did love Dan. I love him even more now, but the thought of my life changing so dramatically in the span of one day was not appealing in the least. You could say I'm not good with change. Changes are good, and needful, in many situations, and I'm so glad that I went through with the wedding the next day, but thinking so much about how things were going to be "so different" is how I got in trouble. 

I feel as though the same thing is happening here. I have people every day, saying the same things over, and over, and over. The conversation seems to flow like this: 

Random person: "Oh, you're pregnant! When are you due?
Me: "December 14th" 
RP: "Oh, my goodness, well, that's just right around the corner! It will be here before you know it. Do you know what you're having?"
Me: "It's a boy!" 
RP: "A boy?!? Isn't that just the sweetest thing. I supposed you have a name all picked out for him?"
Me: "No, we haven't really decided on anything yet. It's kind of hard to choose." 
RP: "Well, that's alright. Sometimes you need to look at them first. I'm telling you, honey, get ready for your life to CHANGE! Ain't nothing going to turn your world upside down like a baby." 

Now, do you see why these conversations freak me out a little? I'm not comfortable with change, and I have these people, all day, every day, shoving it down my throat about how different things will be. I know things will be different, but they don't have to be *that* different. 

As it comes down to the wire, I will be glad to spend the last couple weeks at home, and away from the people that make me the most nervous. Then perhaps my nesting will kick in completely and I can actually get everything done that needs to be done, which is preparing my home, myself, and my husband for the arriving of our son. Because, even though I'm a nervous wreck, as I have never done anything like this before, I am still so anxious to meet this wonderful little person, and learn all I can about him........I just hope he has a name soon. 

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