Friday, April 4, 2014

Motherhood: It's a real.......

How you finish reading the title of this post in your head will vary, depending on the day, I'm sure. At least, it will if you're a mom like me.

My entire life, all I've ever wanted is to be a wife and mother. That's it. Maybe not the biggest goals in some peoples eyes, but to me, it was the ultimate achievement. I'm not even really sure why. Maybe because my mom did everything so well I just wanted to be like her. I don't know. What I do know is that was my heart's desire.

The marriage happened in 2008, after I met the love of my life 4 years before. We have a good marriage. In my opinion, we have the best. After being married for 4 (almost 5) years, when I finally talked Dan into having a baby, I may have bitten off a bit more than I had thought about.

I basically grew up as an only child, what with Russ being so much older than me, so I hadn't really been around babies. Oh, sure, I'd seen my younger cousins when they were born, and my most recent baby experience was taking care of my great-niece Mady. I'd changed diapers for her, fed her, gave her baths, and everything. What else was there? So, I felt pretty prepared.

I absolutely loved being pregnant. It constantly amazes me how God has created us, and allows us to carry these tiny little humans while He makes them grow and form inside our bellies. I don't think I'll ever get over that. The first couple months were rough because I was sick every morning, but my husband was a complete sweetheart about it all and brought me orange juice in bed before leaving for work. He never missed a single day until I was over the morning sickness. Once I entered the second trimester, I was on cloud nine. I wasn't nearly as tired, I wasn't sick, and I had this cute little baby belly. It was awesome. The third trimester was even better. I had always heard how terrible it was and how your feet swelled so large that you couldn't walk, back pain was horrendous, and you were constantly in the bathroom. I think I was just blessed. My feet never swelled until after my son was born, I had no back pain, and I really didn't go to the bathroom much more than I usually did. And I loved my big belly! Feeling my son move was the greatest feeling in the world. I had the best birth experience, too. No, I disn't have him at home or in a birthing center. Although I admire women who choose ro do that, unmedicated, I did not want that. I was always afraid something would go wrong in the middle of the birth and I wouldn't have time to get somewhere. So, I chose to have him in a hospital. And yes, I had an epidural. I wanted to be happy through the birth. I didn't want to be cranky and exhausted the first time I saw my son. Thankfully, I wasn't.  And after he was born, I felt as though I was in a dream. When the doctor laid him on my chest for the first time, I looked in his eyes......and that was it. I was completely hooked. In love. And filled with this immediate thoughts of worry. Worry. About. Everything! But mostly in love with this little person.

His first few days were so scary for me. He would cry, and I wouldn't know why. I was scared to death that he was starving because I couldn't feel that I had any milk. It was my intention from the get go to nurse him. So much so, that I never even had a bottle. I had just decided I was nursing and that was that. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't have enough milk for him, so I'm sure you can understand my devastation when not only do I have to feed him formula, but after he takes it, he throws up. Within the first 2 weeks of his life, he saw his pediatrician twice, an urgent care doctor and a chiropractor. He wasn't gaining weight and was crying all the time. I was a nervous wreck. I think the main reason I was so nervous is because it had never occurred to me that I wouldn't have the most perfect baby ever.

See, I had this naive vision about this "perfect baby". And not only a perfect baby, but the perfect life. The baby would only cry when he was hungry, he would sleep peacefully in his bassinet while I would cook hot meals to have for my husband when he came home, and people would talk about what a perfect baby he was. Yeah. That didn't happen.........as I'm sure it doesn't happen with most new mothers.

I wasn't able to do anything. I could barely even leave the couch. The baby needed to be held all the time, because if I laid him down, he'd cry. I felt like the biggest failure as a mother. I mean, I was comforting my child, but it wasn't long term. I couldn't carry on a conversation with my husband.....or really anyone......because I couldn't focus. I couldn't leave the house because my son would cry and scream so intensely that I was sure people would think I was hurting him. I was slowly sinking into a depression worse than postpartum. Poor Dan would look at me and say "Are you sure THIS is making you happy?!" What could I do? I knew something was wrong. I knew that he couldn't just be that miserable.

I finally started listening to the mother voice in me and not everyone else. After watching him while he ate, in between times, and talking to the pediatrician, it was discovered that he had acid reflux. Acid reflux! In a baby!! I couldn't believe it, but after just one dose of the medicine, he made a drastic change and I knew he was better. It didn't completely change the crankiness, though. Don't get me wrong, he was 100% better. I wasn't wanting to run up and down the street screaming after that. I was able to talk to people again, but something else was still wrong. 
I then changed the formula that he was on. I had been told by the chiropractor that he was probably allergic to the cows milk formula, so we had switched him to soy....which seemed to constipate him. So before we discovered the acid reflux, the doctor changed him back to a milk based formula. I felt like it was still wrong, so I moved him to a hypoallergenic formula. This really helped! After being on it for a couple weeks, he was really changing. 
It was about that time when it was pointed out to me by an aunt (and probably the 4th or 5th person in general) about how he leaned his head to the left. All the time. I finally got ahold of my motherly fears and got a grip on my senses and took him for his first chiropractor adjustment. It's a scary thing taking your 3 month old to be "cracked", as my dad would say. Thankfully we have a wonderful pediatric chiropractor who explained to me that he's not really cracking anything, just using a very small amount of pressure to move things back where they need to go. With babies, mostly they just have cartiledge, so there's not really any moving of bones involved. This has done the trick. Talk about changing a baby! He's completely different. His moods are so much better that I'm starting to feel more like I thought I would. Excited to spend my days with this happy little boy that smiles all the time. 
Now, he still cries. He's very opinionated. He knows what he wants and when he wants it, but it doesn't drive me to distraction. And he comes by it honest. 

So, to complete my original thought, motherhood can be a real....pain, hardship, blessing, joy, scary thing, and amazing experience that any mother will tell you is the greatest thing she's ever done. Because when I wake up and see his little face smiling back at me (yes, we co-sleep, no I don't think it's the worst decision ever), I thank God for this sweet baby. I could have a lot more money and time to myslef, but I wouldn't have him. He's worth it. And even at my worst moment, I know that I'm doing the best thing that I will ever do. 

I try not to, but I know sometimes I take him for granted. Just a couple weeks ago, a cousin of mine gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, and at the same time she was in labor, I learned of a friends miscarriage. It could have been me. I'm so thankful that God saw fit to bless our lives with this amazing little person and I can't wait to get to know him. 

               Love you, Declan Jude. 




1 comment:

proud mama said...

That is so true. I understand that completely always follow your motherly instinct Nikki. I hope lord willing after Kaysin is born. Then next year we will be able to come visit every body again.