I'm Baaaaack!

Well, everyone, I have finally returned. As I'm sure you noticed (or at least I hope you noticed), I have been MIA for quite sometime now. To tell the truth, writing in my blog has not been my number one priority. There have been so many changes and issues to get through the last few months, it's been all I could do to survive my normal day to day, much less try to write down how I'm feeling about it. 

For the past 9 months, I've been trying to function as a full grown adult with, what feels like, a little girl trapped inside. And if it were up to the little girl, and if I would allow myself, I could slip so easily into a deep depression that I know not how I could escape from, that I would wind up spending all day, every day, in bed.....eating. "All this is because your mom died?"  Yes. I know that it's difficult for some people to understand, but it's true.

The past couple of months have been better, and some days I'm actually glad to be out of bed. 

I've often thought of seeing a psychiatrist about my depression issues. It's still not out of the question, and has even been suggested to me by a few people.......my husband being one of them. I told him I would go if he would. We've kind of stalled out there. I actually feel like that with God's help, I'll eventually get passed a lot of this, and He has helped me a lot already, so I will probably just wait and see how it goes. 

 

Dan and I found out the first part of April that we are to be parents come December, and while I was so happy and excited to find out, I also felt a deep sense of guilt and sadness at the same time. My first thought was that my mom wasn't going to see it. I had several days of crying and praying and talking to various family members after that day, just so I could get a grip and understand that mom wouldn't be mad at me for going on living without her, and that everything would be ok. 

When I told Dan how I was feeling, his response was a simple question; "Knowing everything your mom went through, would you really have wanted to have a baby before she passed?" 

I had never thought about it that way, and he was right of course. It all comes back to the fact that God's timing is perfect. Regardless of wether we see it or not, He's got everything under control. 

He is sending us this baby when He wants it to come, and that is something to be thankful for. 

I'm nervous about this baby. For several reasons. Normal everyday new mom things.....I hope.

 The main one being that I've never had a child before and I don't know what to expect. I don't handle pain well, so I've already told my doctor that I want drugs. No joke, I'll take whatever kind they want to give me and as soon as they want to give it. Lol. 

Next, I'm afraid that I'm not going to know what to so with this kid once I get it home. I mean, what if it cries all the time and I can't get it to stop no matter what? Am I going to have the natural instincts to handle that? I've always heard that when it's your child it's different. Everything just comes to you, and is completely natural. I pray this is true, and everything will go as it should. My main prayer is that the baby is healthy. 

Dan says that I should worry about him because he doesn't think he'll be that great of a dad. I, however, disagree. I think that, like me, he'll have a hard time at first, but when we survive those first few weeks (months), he'll be a natural. He's already showing signs of greatness by worrying that he won't be good enough. He wants to make sure he's a good provider.....that his child is going to have bigger and better opportunities than he had. He's talking about traits that he hopes the baby will and will not inherit from him......and me. 

To me, these are all signs of good dad material. Though he hasn't said it in the conventional way yet, I know he loves this baby. He proves that by going to work every day to provide for us, by helping me pick out names (even though he doesn't want to, and would rather leave the name blank so the child can pick it out on their own), and by helping me out whenever he can. I read once that the very best way to be a good dad is by loving the baby's mother. I think he can handle that. 

I always remember my mom's words of advice when it came to Dan and children; "He'll be really good to you when you're carrying the baby, but don't be upset when he doesn't get all excited about it. He won't think a thing about it other than worrying about money and you. But once he is there with you when you have it, he'll love it, and that baby will be have him wrapped around it's finger." 

Mom was a smart lady. <3 And I'm counting on her to be right this time. 

December is still pretty far away and it will be a while before I know the answers to all my questions, so until then, I'll continue to think about names on my own, buy little baby things, imagine what he/she looks like, and pray that it's growing healthy inside me. You know. Mom things. 

A "Brobee" for Madysen

I'm going to start this blog post by answering the question that is (most likely) first and foremost on your mind;

                   

This is a Brobee. 

Don't feel bad if you didn't know what it was. I didn't really know either until about the first part of November. This little guy is a character on my niece Madysen's favorite show, "Yo Gabba Gabba". If you, your children or grandchildren have never watched it, take my advice; Don't. 

It's a pretty silly show, with lots of funny little monsters who run around and sing. Now, granted, they do teach them things about manners, etc, but the way they go about it is nuts. 

Anyway, Brobee is Mady's favorite, so as her 3rd birthday grew closer, November 29th, Brittany came to me asking if I could make a Brobee cake for her party. I'd been taking a cake decorating class for the month of November, and I was kind of anxious to do something on my own, but I wasn't sure if I was up to this kind of challenge. 

Brittany and I sat down and Googled "Brobee birthday cake" and guess what. Apparently this is one popular little monster. Tons and tons of cakes were out there, so after looking through about 100 pictures, we picked out some of our favorites and started brainstorming. Brittany decided on the basic design, then I added a few  special touches of my own. Once the draft design was drawn, I studied it for a couple days and then got to work. I decided to bake it at the music store because it was that much closer to Brittany's house. hahaha

My first thought was to make the cake itself green. Then, when we sliced into it, he would have the Brobee stripes. So we did that. This is the batter before it was baked........

.....and after. 

Awesome right? Now, I have to apologize for the lack of pictures as I describe this next section. It took me a long time to decorate this little guy, and once I got on a roll, I didn't take time out for pictures. 

As for the main design of the cake, I have to give all the credit to Brittany. She told me exactly what she wanted. It was then my job to figure out how to make that happen for her. She wanted Brobee's face to be a lighter shade of green than his body. Check. That's not much of a problem. Just a little extra food coloring.

As for the Brobee "horns", I thought if I made some flat sugar cookies, I could just ice them with red icing. The trouble was going to be getting them to stand up on his "head". Coffee stirrers to the rescue! I baked the cookies with the stirrers already inside, then I used more to prop them up on his head. 

Brittany also wanted a flat cookie laying next to the cake, similar to the shape of the Yo Gabba Gabba sign.

However, instead of saying "Yo Gabba Gabba!", she wanted it to have a big M on it. So, more cookies to shape and bake, but at least this time I didn't need to stick wooden coffee stirrers in them. hahaha 

When all was said and done, I was SO happy about how everything turned out. 

I think the birthday girl even liked her cake. 

And.......I was right. It looked pretty awesome when it was cut.  

 So, all in all, I have to say that my first solo cake turned out pretty good. It even tasted good. Which goes a long way on a cake resume. Happy birthday, Mady. Ninny is happy you got your Brobee. 

Being a bachelorette stinks!

The original title of this post was going to be "28 days......a glimpse into the life of a Walmart widow"
But I got to thinking it might be a little too dramatic, and since my writing skills are on the 0-3 range, I opted for the current title. That way it saves disappointment.

Dan has received a promotion at work, and is now an Assistant Manager at one of the larger Walmart stores in the area. I'm so very proud of him. He definitely deserved it. However, I'm not so sure about this whole training business because it is the reason that I've been having to live alone.

My past living history is a simple one. I lived in my parents home until I was 21 and then I got married.  From that point, I have lived with my husband and have never been alone. Except for a time or two when he would have to work overnight or the time that he went to Nashville for 4 days to play music. During those 4 days I think I cried almost constantly until mom would look at me and tell me to "straighten up and calm down". (I'm still confused as to how I go both up and down at the same time, but mom knew best.) I remember being miserable the whole time and only going home to sleep. I was offered my old room at my parents house, but declined saying that I needed to learn to be alone. I've always been glad that I did that, and I think mom and dad were too.......even though they never said anything.
So now, it's not just 4 days.......it's 5 days and 5 nights per week for 4 weeks. Talk about culture shock!

I have to say that the first week wasn't that bad. Essentially the days went by pretty fast and I would spend the evening time with my dad. I was always home by 8:30 to 9 and could relax in my own home (in Dan's recliner) and watch whatever I wanted on TV while snacking on things that maybe I can't eat when Dan's home........like bananas. (I didn't eat bananas in his chair. I'm not cruel!) I didn't really worry if I kept the dishes done, or if I did laundry, because it was just me. I knew I'd get around to it sometime before he came home. (Not saying that my house is always spotless when Dan's home, but I like to have it cleaned as much as possible) I only use half the bed, so it's really easy to make up the next morning. Plus if I was asked to stay late at the store, or if something came up where I couldn't be home at a reasonable hour, I didn't worry because supper would be late. I'd just catch a bite on the run, or have a bowl of cereal when I got home. All of these things were pretty cool the first week, and I really didn't mind those first 5 days. JUST....the first 5 days.

When Friday of that week rolled around, I got up extra early, cleaned everything up, made a lemon pie and put some soup fixings in the crock pot. I have to say everything looked and smelled great. Like a home. I left the store early just to come home and do final preparations and enjoy my singleness in a clean house. The only problem was, I couldn't enjoy being alone. I was looking too forward to that yellow Nissan turning in the driveway. Once it did, everything was complete. I felt like me again. We had a good couple of days together.....then Sunday came.

Now, my brain didn't really want to start processing week 2, because, as I've said, 4 days is all we've ever been apart up to that time. After we'd made it that first week, my brain kept saying that was all there was to it, and he was home to stay.  So after church that night when I came home to an empty house again, I think my brain was thinking Dan was hiding in the closet or something. I kept going through some of the same situations I have about mom right now. Looking around for them........starting to say something and realizing they're not there.......saying "I'll need to ask them about it tonight".......etc.
I'm very fortunate, because I can still talk to Dan. All I have to do is text him and he'll answer me. I can't do that with mom. So, I think that thought helped me through that 2nd week. If I would ever get down and start feeling sorry for myself, I would try and remind myself of that very fact.

In spite of all the trouble I had those first couple days, week 2 still wasn't really bad. By this time, I started feeling really lonely when I went to sleep. So, I piled all the pillows on Dan's side of the bed, just so there would be a person sized lump there. And I turned on my TV every night to sleep by, so there would be noise in the room. Both of these things helped me SO much. I was actually able to sleep at night instead of "cat napping" all night, and I desperately needed sleep. I had a terrible cold and felt just plain awful. For the first time in my life, I wasn't living with someone to take care of me. Growing up was pretty much the only option. I mean, dad was there, but he's never had the caring touch that mom or even Dan has had when I was sick.
I lived in a fog for a couple days and really took advantage of not cooking or cleaning. I just plain didn't feel like it, so I didn't do it. I think it was Thursday of that week before I started getting over my cold enough to feel human again, which was great. I talked to myself like crazy trying to not get too excited about Dan coming home that weekend. I didn't want my brain going through what it went through before, so I kept telling myself that we were only half way done with this whole training process. Even as I was saying it, I knew my brain wasn't buying it, so I got just as excited as ever. The only trouble with that was neither one of us had a very good week; Can we say grumpy?

2 weeks of motel life with a stranger is not something that Dan can accept very easy. I can't blame him, I wouldn't be able to handle that at all. I feel like I'm too personal of a person to just move in and live with someone I've never met before. I think he'd only managed to get about 10 hours sleep for that whole week he was gone, so he did NOT feel like talking about his experiences from that week. I think Friday night I fell asleep about 8:30, had an auction on Saturday that I had to leave at 5 AM for, didn't get home until after 6 that night, fell asleep again sometime before 9, and then it was Sunday again. Plus Dan's "sidekick" wasn't riding with him this week so Dan wanted to leave at noon. We really didn't see each other that weekend, and I think that's what made week 3 so hard.

Week 3 was the one where I nearly broke down. Everything seemed twice as hard as it normally did. I felt myself drifting into a fog and I really didn't want to see anyone or do anything. I think if I had been able, I would have stayed at home every day......in bed.....with a big bowl of pudding or something. I would have sunk into a super bad depression and probably spent most every day in tears. Monday and Tuesday drug by.....and Wednesday wasn't so great either. It was one of those weird moments when you do lots of stuff, thinking that you're killing all this time but in reality it only took you ten minutes. I hate that. Where is that super speed when you need it?
When I reached the down hill slope (Wednesday night), I could finally start perking up again. Then, I would start rationalizing; "I've only got two days and two nights left! Well, really, it's only one day because he'll be coming home Friday.....and really it's only one more night because it's already night now........so one day and one night....." This would go on for a while. I'd try to think of how I could arrange my schedule so I could be home when he got there, etc. I'm pretty sure that week 3 was the hardest for both of us.
I would try to remember what it was like when we were dating and would only see each other every one to two months.....and only for a few hours. At times that would help, but otherwise I was pretty much left to my self pity.
That weekend went much better, although I was working again on Saturday, but it wasn't as late and I didn't fall asleep so early.

Now comes the final push. Week 4. I actually thought this would be my toughest week. I pictured myself sitting at home, bawling my eyes out, pining for my husband who couldn't be there. (OK, so I can be dramatic. lol) Truth is, it wasn't like that at all. It was more like the first week. I was home a lot more because dad was spending more time with Russ, but it was still nice. I would pop in a movie, or watch an episode or two of a series I'm currently interested in on Netflix, eat snacks, sit in the recliner........things weren't all bad......but it wasn't all snacks and tv either. I was empty inside.

Finally, we reach the end of our journey. Today is Friday.....at the end of week 4. I feel as though I'm a better person for going through this experience with as little discomfort as possible, and I'm proud of both Dan and myself for handling it as well as we have. But truth be known, I wouldn't trade him for anything, and I'm so very thankful that my "bachelorette" days are over. They really do stink.

Proverbs 31 Woman

PROVERBS 31:10-31

10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

14 She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. 
16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

People can interpret bible verses so many different ways. I know of some that would probably read this and say "Ok, to be a virtuous woman I have to make all my own clothes for me and all my family, spin my own wool, grow a vineyard, never touch any makeup, and be perfectly kind to every single person I meet. I don't necessarily see it that way. Let's talk a little more about this.

 

I was recently reading a post on Facebook, entitled;

"10 things NOT found in Proverbs 31".

I was intrigued, so I read it. It goes like this;
‎

10 THINGS NOT FOUND IN PROVERBS 31

1. Her coffee table never has dust on it.

2. Many have eaten off her kitchen floor.

3. Better Homes and Gardens just did a photo shoot in her living room.

4. She does all of the housework herself while the kids play Wii.

5. All of the words that flow from her children’s mouths are blessed.

6. All of her children are straight A students, musical geniuses, and all-star athletes.

7. Her hair is always fixed perfectly and her make-up is artfully applied.

8. She does not touch make-up or hairspray because it is vain and the art of Satan.

9. She never makes a bad decision.

10. She is classroom mom, PTO President, the bearer of orange slices at soccer games, and the church committee queen.

I can't really say why, for sure, but that really slapped me in the face. Was it because it was wrong? No. It really doesn't say that in Proverbs. I think what really got me was the fact that I was trying to be.......this person. The "NOT found in Proverbs" woman. Let me explain. 

Ever since my mom passed away, I've been wanting to be perfect. OK, not perfect in every way, but a perfect wife. I wanted to get my house in perfect condition, keep everything put away, always have nice meals cooked to perfection, wonderful desserts (home made at least once a week), the yard all landscaped and kept mowed all the time, and basically just everything........perfect. 

I thought if I could do that, I would be someone that mom would have been proud of. I would be the type of woman that she was. 

Now, after re-reading that last sentence, it gives the impression that my mom was perfect......and she was. As my mother, she was perfect. Was the house always clean? No. Were there always 3 home made meals a day? No. Did she always think before she spoke? No. But she was perfect? Yes. 

"11: The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil."

"12: She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life."

"28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her."

My dad has said many times that he couldn't have been more blessed to have had my mom because she was a "virtuous woman". I never really thought too much about that when I was younger. Mom was just......mom. She did her best to make sure her family was taken care of. She paid the bills on time, kept the house as best she could (until she was too sick to do it anymore), cooked, took care of all of us, and so much more. But now as I've grown, I say she was wonderful.

"15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens."

"20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy."

"26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness"

OK, so there are lots of ways to interpret these verses, but I can say that mom always took care of her household. She didn't always get up before dawn to make dad breakfast, but he was still taken care of. Maybe mom didn't volunteer at a soup kitchen every weekend, but I can guarantee she never let anyone go hungry in her presence. And her words were always spoken with wisdom, even if it didn't seem kind at the time.

"30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised."

Verse 30 says it all. "A woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised." This is what mom was all about. She feared God and was a servant to Him all the days of her life. That is what made her a virtuous woman. That is what she wanted from me, and what would make her proud. It doesn't really matter if nothing is perfect, because I can still be a virtuous woman by trying to do my best. By trying to be what God wants me to be and by following Him, fearing Him, and serving Him. 

This doesn't mean that I won't fail. That I won't still try and have things perfect, even though I know that it's next to impossible to do, but now I realize more than ever that the first thing on my list should always be fear God and put Him first. 

Thanks, mom. You have taught me the true meaning of being a true Christian wife and mother. 

I pray that I can be just like you. 

With broken heart.

This blog has been coming for a while.  As in......about 2 1/2 weeks.

I've not been able to bring myself to write it, even though I know it's something that needs to be done.

See, my wonderful mom......the one that I have talked about so much on here......the one that I loved to pieces.....my best friend.....the one that I was so sure was getting better.........she passed away on August 30th. I can't begin to describe how much I miss her.

At a time like this, I've heard it's really easy to get mad at God. I've heard it, but I'm not mad at God. Confused? Yes. Sad? Extremely. Do I feel like I'm in a bad dream? Absolutely. But can I change it? No.
Therefore, I could never be mad at God. He has blessed me beyond compare, and on top of everything, He gave mom to us longer than He could have. If we think about it, He could have taken her way back in 2007 when she lost her arm. We were fortunate enough to have her for 4 1/2 more years.

I don't want to ask why, but I can't seem to stop. We know God sent us the herbal tea she was on, and we truly thought it was working. She had every single sign and signal that the tea was working to break up her cancer. But it didn't. I can't say that it didn't help her at all, because I saw that it did with my own eyes. She was strong right up to the very end. She was alert, her memory was amazing, she had an appetite........just so many things that were a true blessing to her. But it just wasn't enough to completely heal her.......here. I think it did make it easier for her to slip out of this world and go home to Heaven, though. And there, she is completely healed. Whole once again.
I really try not to question, but sometimes I can't help it. I feel like we prayed and prayed and prayed to keep her here, and yet she's gone. There are times that I feel like it's my fault. Like I could have done something more to keep her, or that I didn't take good enough care of her, but then when I think about it, I'm still left at a complete blank, because I don't know what I could have done that would have changed anything. I know dad blames himself, too, and so does Russ. I think it's just normal when you love someone like we loved her.......like we still love her.

I have many, many good and wonderful memories of mommy in my lifetime, but her last days are etched in my memory and I can't seem to stop thinking about them. The look on her face as she was at home and gasping for breath, the way she turned blue before the paramedics got there, the way that I saw the color come back to her face once they put the oxygen on, how limp her body was when they put her on the stretcher, and most of all, the sadness that engulfed me when the doctor at the hospital told us that mom could never breathe on her own again, and the best thing to do would be to let her go in peace. Her lungs were so full of the cancer, she would never be able to get rid of it all. There was nothing that could be done.
We were in the room with her as she took "her last step of faith" as our preacher said at the funeral. We were crying, making sure we all said that we loved her, hugging her, kissing her, and just being there. She would have wanted it that way. I know she heard us, and knew we were there. At that time......she was ready to go.

That's the comfort I get. Knowing that she was ready to meet God. And not only that she was ready, but that she had prepared for that moment over 45 years ago when she was saved. I know that she's in Heaven right now, and that is my comfort. Knowing that I'll see her again one day......that's even more comfort.
In all reality and honesty, I wouldn't bring mom back to this world to be sick like she was for anything. No matter how much I miss her. See, I'm grieving now, but I'm not really grieving for mom. Mom doesn't need me to be sad for her. She's extremely happy! She doesn't even know that I exist. There are all kinds of people that say "Well, she's looking down on you now." But she's not. I accept this fact, because I know how Heaven is. If my mom looked down and saw me sitting here crying the way I do every day, she wouldn't be happy. She'd be so sad, and she would miss me, and she would want to come back and try to comfort me. Then she would cry. And there are no tears in Heaven.

Most days, I'm OK. I go to work and I try to occupy my mind with other things, and most of the time I can get through the day. But then.......it will get to be about 2 in the afternoon, and I'll think "I think I'll text mom and see what she's up to." And then I just stop. I just stop whatever I'm doing and realize that she's not there. Then I have to try and talk myself out of thinking the whole thing has been some awful dream. It's all I can do to keep from slapping myself to try and wake up.
I would give anything to talk to her again. Just to ask her things. Maybe silly things......or recipes that she's told me a hundred times that I never bothered to remember, just because I always thought I'd be able to ask again. Now I can't.

I have wonderful support. First of all, God is there and I pray all the time for help. I know He comforts me and will continue to do so. And Dan is the best husband I could ever ask for. He's been there with me through everything and I couldn't ask for him to do more. Dad and Russ are great as far as being there for me, and I try to be there for them too. It seems we all have bad days at different times. Another blessing from God. If we were all down at the same time, it would be completely miserable. But this way, we're able to remind each other that mom is so much better now, and that we shouldn't begrudge her that just because we're selfish.

Dad started back to work this week, and I began my new day to day. Before, when mom was well, I was always at her house by 8, and that was our time to visit before work. Now, 8 rolls around and I feel as though I need to be doing something.......but there's nothing. So, I'm throwing myself into my housework, sorting through things that we never use to send to auction, doing some baking, and just trying to establish a new normal. It won't be easy, by any means, but I have no other choice.

I have a strong feeling that I will never get over wanting to talk to her, or see her, or spend time with her, even though she's gone. I'll never stop having that feeling of needing to call her in the middle of the afternoon just to see how she's doing. I'll never get over the feeling of an empty space at church on Sunday or the lunch thereafter. I'll never stop thinking about asking her to ride along with me every time I go somewhere. And every time I go to cook something, I'll second guess myself and turn to ask her if I'm doing it right.
That's what a big influence she was in my life. And I never want her to leave me completely. I'm thankful and blessed to have had her for the 25 years that I have, and she will forever live on in my heart.

I love you mommy. See you soon.