I'm Baaaaack!

Well, everyone, I have finally returned. As I'm sure you noticed (or at least I hope you noticed), I have been MIA for quite sometime now. To tell the truth, writing in my blog has not been my number one priority. There have been so many changes and issues to get through the last few months, it's been all I could do to survive my normal day to day, much less try to write down how I'm feeling about it. 

For the past 9 months, I've been trying to function as a full grown adult with, what feels like, a little girl trapped inside. And if it were up to the little girl, and if I would allow myself, I could slip so easily into a deep depression that I know not how I could escape from, that I would wind up spending all day, every day, in bed.....eating. "All this is because your mom died?"  Yes. I know that it's difficult for some people to understand, but it's true.

The past couple of months have been better, and some days I'm actually glad to be out of bed. 

I've often thought of seeing a psychiatrist about my depression issues. It's still not out of the question, and has even been suggested to me by a few people.......my husband being one of them. I told him I would go if he would. We've kind of stalled out there. I actually feel like that with God's help, I'll eventually get passed a lot of this, and He has helped me a lot already, so I will probably just wait and see how it goes. 

 

Dan and I found out the first part of April that we are to be parents come December, and while I was so happy and excited to find out, I also felt a deep sense of guilt and sadness at the same time. My first thought was that my mom wasn't going to see it. I had several days of crying and praying and talking to various family members after that day, just so I could get a grip and understand that mom wouldn't be mad at me for going on living without her, and that everything would be ok. 

When I told Dan how I was feeling, his response was a simple question; "Knowing everything your mom went through, would you really have wanted to have a baby before she passed?" 

I had never thought about it that way, and he was right of course. It all comes back to the fact that God's timing is perfect. Regardless of wether we see it or not, He's got everything under control. 

He is sending us this baby when He wants it to come, and that is something to be thankful for. 

I'm nervous about this baby. For several reasons. Normal everyday new mom things.....I hope.

 The main one being that I've never had a child before and I don't know what to expect. I don't handle pain well, so I've already told my doctor that I want drugs. No joke, I'll take whatever kind they want to give me and as soon as they want to give it. Lol. 

Next, I'm afraid that I'm not going to know what to so with this kid once I get it home. I mean, what if it cries all the time and I can't get it to stop no matter what? Am I going to have the natural instincts to handle that? I've always heard that when it's your child it's different. Everything just comes to you, and is completely natural. I pray this is true, and everything will go as it should. My main prayer is that the baby is healthy. 

Dan says that I should worry about him because he doesn't think he'll be that great of a dad. I, however, disagree. I think that, like me, he'll have a hard time at first, but when we survive those first few weeks (months), he'll be a natural. He's already showing signs of greatness by worrying that he won't be good enough. He wants to make sure he's a good provider.....that his child is going to have bigger and better opportunities than he had. He's talking about traits that he hopes the baby will and will not inherit from him......and me. 

To me, these are all signs of good dad material. Though he hasn't said it in the conventional way yet, I know he loves this baby. He proves that by going to work every day to provide for us, by helping me pick out names (even though he doesn't want to, and would rather leave the name blank so the child can pick it out on their own), and by helping me out whenever he can. I read once that the very best way to be a good dad is by loving the baby's mother. I think he can handle that. 

I always remember my mom's words of advice when it came to Dan and children; "He'll be really good to you when you're carrying the baby, but don't be upset when he doesn't get all excited about it. He won't think a thing about it other than worrying about money and you. But once he is there with you when you have it, he'll love it, and that baby will be have him wrapped around it's finger." 

Mom was a smart lady. <3 And I'm counting on her to be right this time. 

December is still pretty far away and it will be a while before I know the answers to all my questions, so until then, I'll continue to think about names on my own, buy little baby things, imagine what he/she looks like, and pray that it's growing healthy inside me. You know. Mom things. 

Proverbs 31 Woman

PROVERBS 31:10-31

10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

14 She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. 
16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

People can interpret bible verses so many different ways. I know of some that would probably read this and say "Ok, to be a virtuous woman I have to make all my own clothes for me and all my family, spin my own wool, grow a vineyard, never touch any makeup, and be perfectly kind to every single person I meet. I don't necessarily see it that way. Let's talk a little more about this.

 

I was recently reading a post on Facebook, entitled;

"10 things NOT found in Proverbs 31".

I was intrigued, so I read it. It goes like this;
‎

10 THINGS NOT FOUND IN PROVERBS 31

1. Her coffee table never has dust on it.

2. Many have eaten off her kitchen floor.

3. Better Homes and Gardens just did a photo shoot in her living room.

4. She does all of the housework herself while the kids play Wii.

5. All of the words that flow from her children’s mouths are blessed.

6. All of her children are straight A students, musical geniuses, and all-star athletes.

7. Her hair is always fixed perfectly and her make-up is artfully applied.

8. She does not touch make-up or hairspray because it is vain and the art of Satan.

9. She never makes a bad decision.

10. She is classroom mom, PTO President, the bearer of orange slices at soccer games, and the church committee queen.

I can't really say why, for sure, but that really slapped me in the face. Was it because it was wrong? No. It really doesn't say that in Proverbs. I think what really got me was the fact that I was trying to be.......this person. The "NOT found in Proverbs" woman. Let me explain. 

Ever since my mom passed away, I've been wanting to be perfect. OK, not perfect in every way, but a perfect wife. I wanted to get my house in perfect condition, keep everything put away, always have nice meals cooked to perfection, wonderful desserts (home made at least once a week), the yard all landscaped and kept mowed all the time, and basically just everything........perfect. 

I thought if I could do that, I would be someone that mom would have been proud of. I would be the type of woman that she was. 

Now, after re-reading that last sentence, it gives the impression that my mom was perfect......and she was. As my mother, she was perfect. Was the house always clean? No. Were there always 3 home made meals a day? No. Did she always think before she spoke? No. But she was perfect? Yes. 

"11: The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil."

"12: She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life."

"28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her."

My dad has said many times that he couldn't have been more blessed to have had my mom because she was a "virtuous woman". I never really thought too much about that when I was younger. Mom was just......mom. She did her best to make sure her family was taken care of. She paid the bills on time, kept the house as best she could (until she was too sick to do it anymore), cooked, took care of all of us, and so much more. But now as I've grown, I say she was wonderful.

"15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens."

"20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy."

"26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness"

OK, so there are lots of ways to interpret these verses, but I can say that mom always took care of her household. She didn't always get up before dawn to make dad breakfast, but he was still taken care of. Maybe mom didn't volunteer at a soup kitchen every weekend, but I can guarantee she never let anyone go hungry in her presence. And her words were always spoken with wisdom, even if it didn't seem kind at the time.

"30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised."

Verse 30 says it all. "A woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised." This is what mom was all about. She feared God and was a servant to Him all the days of her life. That is what made her a virtuous woman. That is what she wanted from me, and what would make her proud. It doesn't really matter if nothing is perfect, because I can still be a virtuous woman by trying to do my best. By trying to be what God wants me to be and by following Him, fearing Him, and serving Him. 

This doesn't mean that I won't fail. That I won't still try and have things perfect, even though I know that it's next to impossible to do, but now I realize more than ever that the first thing on my list should always be fear God and put Him first. 

Thanks, mom. You have taught me the true meaning of being a true Christian wife and mother. 

I pray that I can be just like you. 

With broken heart.

This blog has been coming for a while.  As in......about 2 1/2 weeks.

I've not been able to bring myself to write it, even though I know it's something that needs to be done.

See, my wonderful mom......the one that I have talked about so much on here......the one that I loved to pieces.....my best friend.....the one that I was so sure was getting better.........she passed away on August 30th. I can't begin to describe how much I miss her.

At a time like this, I've heard it's really easy to get mad at God. I've heard it, but I'm not mad at God. Confused? Yes. Sad? Extremely. Do I feel like I'm in a bad dream? Absolutely. But can I change it? No.
Therefore, I could never be mad at God. He has blessed me beyond compare, and on top of everything, He gave mom to us longer than He could have. If we think about it, He could have taken her way back in 2007 when she lost her arm. We were fortunate enough to have her for 4 1/2 more years.

I don't want to ask why, but I can't seem to stop. We know God sent us the herbal tea she was on, and we truly thought it was working. She had every single sign and signal that the tea was working to break up her cancer. But it didn't. I can't say that it didn't help her at all, because I saw that it did with my own eyes. She was strong right up to the very end. She was alert, her memory was amazing, she had an appetite........just so many things that were a true blessing to her. But it just wasn't enough to completely heal her.......here. I think it did make it easier for her to slip out of this world and go home to Heaven, though. And there, she is completely healed. Whole once again.
I really try not to question, but sometimes I can't help it. I feel like we prayed and prayed and prayed to keep her here, and yet she's gone. There are times that I feel like it's my fault. Like I could have done something more to keep her, or that I didn't take good enough care of her, but then when I think about it, I'm still left at a complete blank, because I don't know what I could have done that would have changed anything. I know dad blames himself, too, and so does Russ. I think it's just normal when you love someone like we loved her.......like we still love her.

I have many, many good and wonderful memories of mommy in my lifetime, but her last days are etched in my memory and I can't seem to stop thinking about them. The look on her face as she was at home and gasping for breath, the way she turned blue before the paramedics got there, the way that I saw the color come back to her face once they put the oxygen on, how limp her body was when they put her on the stretcher, and most of all, the sadness that engulfed me when the doctor at the hospital told us that mom could never breathe on her own again, and the best thing to do would be to let her go in peace. Her lungs were so full of the cancer, she would never be able to get rid of it all. There was nothing that could be done.
We were in the room with her as she took "her last step of faith" as our preacher said at the funeral. We were crying, making sure we all said that we loved her, hugging her, kissing her, and just being there. She would have wanted it that way. I know she heard us, and knew we were there. At that time......she was ready to go.

That's the comfort I get. Knowing that she was ready to meet God. And not only that she was ready, but that she had prepared for that moment over 45 years ago when she was saved. I know that she's in Heaven right now, and that is my comfort. Knowing that I'll see her again one day......that's even more comfort.
In all reality and honesty, I wouldn't bring mom back to this world to be sick like she was for anything. No matter how much I miss her. See, I'm grieving now, but I'm not really grieving for mom. Mom doesn't need me to be sad for her. She's extremely happy! She doesn't even know that I exist. There are all kinds of people that say "Well, she's looking down on you now." But she's not. I accept this fact, because I know how Heaven is. If my mom looked down and saw me sitting here crying the way I do every day, she wouldn't be happy. She'd be so sad, and she would miss me, and she would want to come back and try to comfort me. Then she would cry. And there are no tears in Heaven.

Most days, I'm OK. I go to work and I try to occupy my mind with other things, and most of the time I can get through the day. But then.......it will get to be about 2 in the afternoon, and I'll think "I think I'll text mom and see what she's up to." And then I just stop. I just stop whatever I'm doing and realize that she's not there. Then I have to try and talk myself out of thinking the whole thing has been some awful dream. It's all I can do to keep from slapping myself to try and wake up.
I would give anything to talk to her again. Just to ask her things. Maybe silly things......or recipes that she's told me a hundred times that I never bothered to remember, just because I always thought I'd be able to ask again. Now I can't.

I have wonderful support. First of all, God is there and I pray all the time for help. I know He comforts me and will continue to do so. And Dan is the best husband I could ever ask for. He's been there with me through everything and I couldn't ask for him to do more. Dad and Russ are great as far as being there for me, and I try to be there for them too. It seems we all have bad days at different times. Another blessing from God. If we were all down at the same time, it would be completely miserable. But this way, we're able to remind each other that mom is so much better now, and that we shouldn't begrudge her that just because we're selfish.

Dad started back to work this week, and I began my new day to day. Before, when mom was well, I was always at her house by 8, and that was our time to visit before work. Now, 8 rolls around and I feel as though I need to be doing something.......but there's nothing. So, I'm throwing myself into my housework, sorting through things that we never use to send to auction, doing some baking, and just trying to establish a new normal. It won't be easy, by any means, but I have no other choice.

I have a strong feeling that I will never get over wanting to talk to her, or see her, or spend time with her, even though she's gone. I'll never stop having that feeling of needing to call her in the middle of the afternoon just to see how she's doing. I'll never get over the feeling of an empty space at church on Sunday or the lunch thereafter. I'll never stop thinking about asking her to ride along with me every time I go somewhere. And every time I go to cook something, I'll second guess myself and turn to ask her if I'm doing it right.
That's what a big influence she was in my life. And I never want her to leave me completely. I'm thankful and blessed to have had her for the 25 years that I have, and she will forever live on in my heart.

I love you mommy. See you soon. 

Time to do the diet thing.

Alright, so I've been bad. I missed my goal of posting a blog every week. Shame on me.
I won't go into a lot of detail right now, but I do have a good excuse. Mom's pneumonia didn't go away, so we took her to a specialist. He said that mom's problem wasn't pneumonia at all, but the tumors in her lungs had grown. A lot. He said they were stage IV and there was nothing they could do and we should just call Hospice. 


That was over 2 weeks ago.


Since that time, she has started an herbal treatment and a very strict diet......and she's gotten a bit better every day. In a few months, I fully expect to be writing next chapter of her story in "God's Miracles----Part 3". I hope you all will come back and read that. I wish I knew when to tell you it would be, but everything is really slow right now. 


Meanwhile, I need to post a blog. So, I thought to myself "What's going on in my life right now that's different?" This diet! When mom started her treatment, dad and I promised her that we would be with her every step of the way. Although we can't take the tea that she's on (because you have to have cancer), we are following her diet to the letter. 


It's in no way a "fun diet". I don't know about you all, but I have never enjoyed dieting in any way, shape or form. I love to eat too much. Pizza......pastas......breads......sweets.......you know. All the stuff that tastes awesome but is't good for you in the least. 
Let me tell you a bit about me and the way I liked to eat. First off, you should know that I was a caffeine addict. Seriously. A year ago, I was drinking 3 or more 44 oz Dr. Peppers per day. I would drink about a glass of plain water once a week.....maybe. I thought it tasted horrible! I ate out for breakfast every morning, and some of my favorite things were McGriddles from McDonalds, Monster Biscuits from Hardees, Breakfast pizza from the convenience store, and Breakfast Burritos from Sonic. I got one of those things every morning. EVERY morning. Not because I don't know how to cook, and not because I don't like to cook, it was because I craved fast food. Mom and I would catch breakfast on the way to the store, so that put me eating breakfast about 9:30 AM, which was good, because my caffeine headache would have kicked in by 10. Then usually for lunch, I'd grab some tacos or a cheeseburger, and it was never at lunch time, because I wasn't hungry at lunch. It was at least 1:30 or 2 before I'd eat. Supper time came and I'd get home about 6:30 and either start cooking or eat, depending on whether or not Dan had started it. Normally we'd have some kind of meat, and either rice or noodles.
Now, I loved this diet. Loved it. I felt like I was eating all this wonderful stuff that I loved and I had nothing to worry about. But........in the 3 years that Dan and I were married, I had gained 30 pounds. I reality, that's only 10 pounds per year.......0.83 pounds per month......0.03 pounds per day.......Anyway. It's not a lot......but for an woman in her early twenties, it's a lot. Plus, I would wake up sick every morning. That was the main reason that I didn't want to eat until 9 or so. I seriously felt like I would throw up every single day. People would tell me that it was the way I was eating, but I paid them no attention. I was constantly warned about the trouble of drinking so much pop every day, but I ignored them. 
It really hit me about the first of the year about how much that I had gained and how that was probably really the cause of the problems I'd been having physically. So, I made a "resolution", if you will, that I would gradually ween myself off caffeine and I would only eat out once a day. And that's what I did. After that, I only had one 44 oz caffeinated pop per day for several weeks. Then, I went down to just one 44 oz pop.....period.....for several weeks. It was hard! And I had lots of pop cravings. But, I was determined and stuck with it. Then it went down to a 32 oz once per day and stayed there for a few months. 
During this time, mom got sick and we stopped eating out so much, and eventually we didn't eat any fast food at all. What surprised me about this, was the fact that after a couple weeks of eating no fast food at all, when I did decide to have a burger or something, it tasted pretty bad. And honestly, when I ate a McDonalds burger, I got sick to my stomach.....while I was eating it. That had never happened before. Something else that changed was that I wasn't sick every morning anymore. I was hungry within 15 to 20 minutes of waking up, and I wanted my meals on time. I was even being hungry between meal times.
I gradually went down to a 20 oz soda per day, and only ate fast food about once a week.....maybe. That wasn't an all the time thing. Just once in a while when neither Dan or I felt like cooking, or we wanted pizza. That I can remember, pizza was one thing that never got old or tasted bad. 
After mom had the brain surgery and started recovering, we ate a little more fast food than we had been. Not a lot, but a little. And when she got sick with the pneumonia, there were very few things that actually sounded good to her, so we'd give her whatever she wanted. Mostly, it was Chicken McNuggets from (of course) McDonalds. While I didn't eat them every time, I did eat more fast food than I had in several months. I started becoming sick again, though only on days that I had eaten fast food the day before. 
By now we're closer to the current time.........when the strict diet kicks in. Almost three weeks ago, when mom was told she had Stage 4 Lung Cancer, we heard of an herbal treatment that has worked for many people. The only catch is you have to completely change the way you eat for it to work. And I do mean completely.
When she agreed to take the treatment, I made her a promise that I intend to keep, and I have done it so far.

Here's the diet:

The "don'ts"

1. No meat.
2. No sugar. (That is white refined sugar. Honey is alright, so is a sweetener called "agave"
3. No dairy. (The exception to this rule is you can have straight from the farm goat's milk)
4. No breads.
5. No nuts (except almonds)
6. No jams, jellies, condiments or salad dressings of any kind. (except the "Bolthouse" brand)
7. No flour. 
8. No soda
9. No artificial sweeteners of any kind. 

The "do's"

1. All the vegetables we want. (Organic is best.) 
2. Certain fruits are OK, but nothing high in sugar. (Pineapple, Strawberries, etc)
3. Organic or Cage Free eggs are fine.
4. Organic brown whole grain rice is great for this diet.
5. Organic oatmeal with goat's milk, sweetened with honey or agave is wonderful for this.
6. Lots of water.

Now then. Does anyone see the issue here? There is no pizza or chocolate cake on this list. How will I ever survive?

I'd like to say right off, that, I'm sure some of you out there read this list and are saying exactly what I said when I got it; "Yuck." I never said that to mom. I am always reinforcing the fact that we have good reason for doing this, and it won't stay like this forever. We don't intend to go back to eating as unhealthy as we were before, but it will be more like normal than it is now. I've never been a big vegetable eater, anyway, so if we couldn't have eggs.....I probably would starve. Of everything, I think the thing that I was most resistant to try was the goat's milk. Milk is something I've always been very particular on. I like Hiland brand. End of story. So when dad told me he was going to buy goat's milk.......I wasn't very excited. I had pretty much decided I would just do without milk until mom was cured and thing would go back to normal. But when dad brought the milk home and we tried it, I was shocked! I couldn't believe it was so good. After that, things started getting a bit better. However, I do miss the bread.....and the meat......and the cold cereal......and the....oh, never mind. It's awful how when you're on a diet everything looks good. It's kind of disgusting......and annoying all at the same time. Sometimes I dread to even watch TV because the commercials make me hungry. And walking through the grocery store? Forget it. I have to keep repeating to myself what I'm in there for, otherwise I'll catch myself looking at something and thinking "Oh, that would be good!". I'm weak. I've been that way ever since I was 13 and went on my first diet. I've always been chunky, and sometimes just down right fat, but I've never had the restraint to keep myself from eating all the foods that I love. I will, however, make it through this time. Because I'm not doing it to loose weight (even though I am losing some), I'm doing it to keep my mom. And that is my strength.

As an aside, if anyone has any vegetable only recipes, I'd love to hear them. We're running out of ideas! lol 

Learning to wait.

Lamentations 3:22-25
It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in Him.
The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh Him.



Isaiah 30:18
And therefore will the LORD wait, that He may be gracious unto you, and therefore will He be exalted, that He may have mercy upon you: for the LORD is a God of judgment: blessed are all they that wait for Him.



Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.


Psalm 37:9
For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.




I really like those verses. Mainly because we've spent so much time lately waiting on the Lord.
Mom's pneumonia is slowly but surely getting better. We knew it would, but we had no idea it would take as long as it has. In reality, she's only been on her antibiotics for two weeks, and the doctor says it could take a month to 6 weeks before she's back up to par, and even then she could still be weak and winded. The Lord has been with her, and will continue to be with her through the recovery process. I sometimes wonder why she had to get this illness right after the things she's been through with her brain surgery and all........but I try not to question. It's for a reason, and one day maybe we'll know. Until then, I have to learn to "wait". After all, His ways are above my ways, and His time is not my time. So, what can you do? PBW. Pray, Believe, and Wait. As I've said before, we're not people who believe that you just pray once and then you're done. 1st Thessalonians 5:17 says "Pray without ceasing", and there are many days that I am in, what seems to be, constant prayer. It's not out loud, but I pray from my heart. My true desires are there, and God hears me. 

• "Please, Lord, just make mom better." 
• "Please, Lord, help Dan and Dad at their jobs today."
• "Please, Lord, send some business our way if we're meant to keep this store."
• "Please, Lord, help Skyla at her interview today."
• "Please, Lord, get rid of Russ's headache because he has tons of stuff to get done."

Maybe some of you think praying for headache relief is silly. I don't. A hundred thoughts like that per day run through my mind. I'm sincere. I just want what's best for my family. They mean everything to me and I just want them to be happy and healthy. The praying is the easy part. The believing is harder, but all it takes is the tiniest bit of faith and it grows and grows. The waiting is the hardest part of the process.......but I must admit that my impatience is an inherited trait. 
Dad gets extremely nervous while waiting. When I talked to him last night, he admitted this fact, and said that sometimes he couldn't understand why Jesus made us wait. Back in Bible times, almost everything was immediate. He said "God never changes, so sometimes I wonder why miracles aren't still immediate?" I responded with "I know some of them still are, but Dad, Jesus also let some people die just so he could show his power and raise them from the dead.........we really don't want that happening now, do we?"
He agreed with me, said that however the Lord wanted to handle things now was just fine with him, and we changed the subject.
Mom is patient........most of the time. Though this pneumonia has really drug a lot of her "good nature and temperament" to the point of screaming on most days. I think sometimes if she would actually scream, it would help her to recover faster. I know what it's like to be sick, but I don't know what it's like to have something that makes it; impossible to go outside because you can't breathe, a two person job to get you to the bathroom, and you so tired that you want to sleep but can't because you have insomnia. I guess it's just miserable, and I can't blame her for complaining.
Russ, on the other hand is probably the worst of us when it comes to the patience department, especially when he's worried. I can understand that as well, because he feels as though if someone's sick, they need care as soon as possible, and there's not a moment to waste. Sometimes that just can't happen, and he doesn't understand why. He couldn't understand why mom wasn't better after 2 days of antibiotics. After 2 weeks, you can imagine what he's thinking. At least the past couple days mom has shown improvement. I would have Russ AND dad jumping down my throat if she didn't feel better. 
And what could I do? I could take after my husband and lecture them. That's about it. Being married to Dan for 4 years has taught me a thing or two about psychology, human thought processes through asking simple questions, and the art of a good lecture. 
My parents tell a story about me a lot. It's the story of when I was born. Mom and Dad were married not quite 2 years when Russ was born. When he was about 2-3 years old, they wanted to have another baby, so their kids would be close in and grow up together. But they couldn't get pregnant. It went on for years and they were beginning to face the fact that it wasn't meant for them to have another child. Mom had always wanted a daughter so she prayed, and prayed, and prayed. Nothing happened. Their only son was about 16 years old and mom had some female issues that worried her so she went to see her gynecologist. Her cycle had been terrible and hadn't stopped, and after an exam, the doctor told her the news. She'd had a miscarriage. It was heartbreaking for her. I don't know what she went through that day, but I know it had to be hard. Not long after that when Russ was about 17, mom's cycle stopped altogether. She was scared because of the previous miscarriage, and perhaps there was something wrong with her. She suspected everything except what was actually wrong with her; Me. 
They couldn't believe it. Their son was graduating high school and mom was expecting me. Mom never wanted to find out from the doctor what she was having. She knew that her prayer had been answered and she would have a girl. And obviously she was right. If you can't already tell, the reason for this story is I think that was a huge lesson to them about patience and waiting on the Lord. 
Something that is so hard to realize about waiting, is the fact that we can't see the future. I mean, if I had been born back when mom and dad first wanted me, there's no telling where I would have been when mom lost her arm. Or when the brain tumor hit? It's amazing to think about. I'm not bragging on myself by any means, but I am glad that I'm here close to help when they let me. I like my little comfy house, I love my husband, and I am incredibly blessed.
I think about that sometimes when I'm having trouble waiting. I can't change the past, I don't know the future. All I have is the present. And I'm not guaranteed that. So, we trust in the Lord.....and we wait.

Rants, Ramblings, and a Recipe!

I don't have much on the schedule for a blog post this week. So something with the 3 R's is always good.

I was originally just going to post a rant on how I currently feel about doctors.......but I don't want to just dwell on the negative right now, because that's way too easy to do. You see, right now, mom has pneumonia. Not good. The worst part was how she was diagnosed. She'd been not feeling well since Memorial Day, and when we took her to her normal doctor, they said she had bronchitis, gave her some sulfur drugs, a shot, and sent her home. She had a terrible cough, and, pardon me for being graphic, had coughed up a bunch of icky yellow/green mucus, and once or twice it had been laced with blood. Now, we explained all that to the doctor, and she still said bronchitis. She said she couldn't hear pneumonia in her lungs and mom didn't want an X-Ray. After 10 days of the sulfur drug, mom was still sick, but she said it wasn't near as bad. The cough, however had not let up. After about 3 days of being off the sulfur drug, she was worse. So we tried a different doctor at what they call "Urgent Care". It was the only place open besides the hospital on a Friday night after 5PM.
I don't know God's plan, but I know everything has a reason. There is a reason mom got sick, and there is a reason that this particular doctor saw mom on the night in question. But I doubt I will ever know the reason.
I hadn't gone with mom and dad that night, because they said there was no need. Mom had been told by countless people that she had  pneumonia, and after doing some research with my good friend Google, I had come up with the same conclusion. We were in hopes that another doctor would give her some medicine that  would actually clear it up, instead of just holding it back for a while. After the doctor saw mom, she said an X-Ray was necessary, and BEFORE she even found out the results, she came in and proceeded to tell my mom that she didn't have a virus, or pneumonia, or anything else.......her lungs were completely covered in cancer.
As I have said in my past posts, we are aware of some small tumors in mom's lungs, and she has an appointment in August to have them looked at, but this? No one was expecting. You can imagine the pain and shock that mom and dad were feeling at that time, and after hearing this story, I was upset that I had not been there with them. Anyway, this doctor was completely rude, and after she found out the results were indeed pneumonia, she didn't even offer as much as an "I'm sorry for putting you through this". Some doctors can be such scum. Thankfully we do have mom on 2 strong antibiotics now, and she has finally (after a week) started showing some improvement. Thank you, Lord! The final straw that made me not like this woman in the least happened the following Monday when mom went back for a follow up. Apparently this was not necessary (even though the doctor said it was), and the doctor was mad mom was there. When she got done examining mom, she said "Well, I'm still not convinced it's pneumonia". Boy, did my mom tell her the what for! Go mom! All I have to say is, what kind of a doctor does that? Not a very good one.

Thus ends the rant section of this post.

As for the rambling, I'm good at that. Just ask my husband. One of the big differences between us is the way we describe our day;

Me: "So, how was your day?"
Dan: "Eh. There were some good points, but it was still a rough one." 
Me: *waiting* *waiting some more* "Ummm.......OK, would you like to elaborate on that a bit?"
Dan: "Not really." 

End of discussion.
Reverse roles.

Dan: "So, how was your day?"
Me: "Oh, you know. About the same. I went over by to check on mom and when she fell asleep, I ended up falling asleep and I was afraid I'd get to the store late. I did get to the store late, but not because of that, it was because I had to follow some guy that apparently doesn't know how to drive because he was weaving all over the road and wouldn't go faster that 40 miles per hour, and after I got to the store Russ had to leave and help Skyla with some real estate stuff so I was there by myself and this nut-job comes in and decides to tell me his life story! I just kept standing there saying "uh huh, uh huh" but he didn't get the point."
Dan: "Uh huh." (Yes I'm aware of the irony)
Me: "So after an hour......an HOUR.....that guy finally walks out and I was ready to strangle Russ by the time that he got back. Then I had to make the virtual tour for the property that Skyla just listed and my computer kept freezing up.......I really need to clean that thing......and when I finally got it done I was 15 minutes late for my student, which of course threw me behind on all the rest of them. And then I get to hear the famous whine of "Why do I have to do it that way?" and "My fingers hurt". Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. I'm just glad to be home."
Dan: *nodding* "All right then." 

There are several hundred variations on that conversation, but it's pretty much that same conversation every day. Sometimes I don't know how he puts up with me. But he does, and I am grateful.

Alright, I guess that's enough rambling, so on to the recipe!

I've wanted to post this bread recipe for quite a while now, because I am a flop when it comes to home made bread. Seriously! But this bread worked for even me, so I know someone with bread making skills could do wonders with it. My dad makes the best bread in the entire world, no joke. He makes it out of a start that he got from another man about 4 years ago, who got his start from a man a year or so before that. So we just call it "man bread". Dad will not give the recipe or the starter to a woman because he wants to carry on the tradition. Oh well. This way I just get to eat it and don't have to bake it. lol OK, rambling again. Sorry.

The ingredients are as follows:

 2 cups warm water
3 tablespoons sugar 
2 heaping tablespoon or packet of yeast.
2 tablespoons butter
5 cups Bread Flour
2 tablespoons of salt 

Mix warm water and sugar in a largish mixing bowl. Sprinkle yeast over the top and let sit for about 5 minutes.
 Add the butter, 4 cups of flour, and the salt. Stir this together until it begins to hold together. Pour a cup of flour onto the surface you intend to use for kneading. 

Knead until it holds its own shape well, 3 or 4 minutes. Let the dough rest while you grease a bowl for rising. Return to your dough and knead a further 3 or 4 minutes until it's smooth

Roll the dough into a ball and place in the greased bowl.

 Put the bowl someplace warm and cozy. I like to put mine on the floor in front of my patio door, especially if I'm making it int the afternoon/early evening. This makes for a pleasant environment for the bread, because it's so nice and sunny. It recipe says to leave until it's doubled in size, but I let it rise for an hour.

After an hour dump the dough out on a floured surface and punch it down. Knead the bubbles out and form into two loaves. Place the loaves into lightly greased bread pans. Return to the floor.
 

Let them "rise" for another hour.

With the loaves sitting in the oven, turn it on to 350 degrees and leave them in for 45 minutes.

  Since your oven is probably different than mine, you should knock on the tops with your knuckles to check for a hollow sounds. That means they're done!

I always coat the tops of my bread with butter and cover with waxed paper and a towel. This way it softens up the crust. 

What I like about this bread is not only the taste, but how easy it is to make. Plus it is still fresh the next day, unlike a lot of home made bread. 

I hope you enjoy it, and feel free to post a comment about how your bread turns out if you decide to try it! 

God's Miracles----Part 2

Part 2.

So, where I left off in the last post was pretty much where we stayed for roughly 4 years. I went ahead and got married and started a life with my husband, although we were never far away. Mom learned to live with the struggles of doing things with one arm. If you think about it, I mean, really think about it, doing things with just one arm and hand is difficult. Especially when it's the dominant hand you've lost.
(As an aside, I once tried tying my right arm to my side and going about my day. It's not easy to do. Wash your hair.....go to the bathroom.....drive......cook a meal from scratch........the list goes on.)
The worst part was the Phantom Pain. She'd be in tears because of the pain she felt from an arm that wasn't there anymore. The hospital in Kansas had given her pain pills, but they didn't seem to do a thing for it.
But other than the pain, mom adjusted so well! I remember going to their house one day and on the stove was a pot of potatoes. Peeled! I asked if dad had peeled them and she said no. Mom had peeled roughly 15 potatoes by herself. Her cleverness never ceased to amaze me. When her great-granddaughter was born in 2009, she was so happy. She held her, rocked her, and even changed diapers. She told me it was good practice for when I had a baby. This way she'd be prepared and already know how to handle mine.

Enter 2012

The first couple months were business as usual. Mom had started taking care of her mom (we all call her Mammy--Age 91) almost full time the end of 2011 and by the first of March, we could tell that it was starting to wear her down. She didn't have the energy she normally had, but mom insisted she was fine.
One morning she awoke with a UTI (urinary tract infection). Those are actually pretty common for mom, so we didn't think much about it. She went to her primary doctor and got a prescription just like always. But this time was a little different. The pills didn't help. Instead, they seemed to make her dizzy. In fact, the dizziness started that afternoon and seemed to get worse every day that she took the pills. She stopped taking them over that  weekend, but the dizziness didn't leave, and she still had the UTI. She went back to the doctor the following Monday, telling them she must have had an allergic reaction to the pills they gave her. They prescribed something different and sent her on her way.

Over that week, the dizziness still lingered, and on top of everything, mom starting having "near fainting episodes" at night. It would be almost time for her to go to sleep and her heart would go crazy, not with pain, but by beating very rapidly, and she would feel as though she was already asleep, and if she actually slept, she didn't know if she'd wake up. She never told me about these issues, but dad did. He said that she'd tell him that she loved him and for him to tell her kids how much she loved them, just in case she didn't make it. She wanted to be held and talked to and kept awake for as long as possible. Then her heart would ease down to a normal rhythm and she would drift off. This didn't happen every night, but about every other night. It seemed as though she was having the same issues through the day, too. One good day, followed by a bad day, followed by a good day. A never-ending cycle. So back to the doctor we went. We had ruled out medicine allergy because it had been around too long.  After discussing mom's diet at length, as well as the feelings she would have before and after she ate, Hypoglycemia was a definite possibility. Instead of putting her through the 6 hour test to see for positive, we tried just changing her diet. Lots of protein, eating every 3-4 hours, no sugar except good sugar........etc.  It did seem that after mom ate she would feel better for an hour or two, but it still didn't fix the problem.

So now, I'm trying to look up her symptoms on line, because......that's just what I do. The most logical thing that WebMD says is Hypothyroidism. So we start studying about that next. Mom fits every symptom. It's the most perfect solution. Even with that, there are still issues that she would have to face, but most of it could be cured with a little pill. Back to the doctor we go.
By this time, we're going to the doctor 1-2 times a week to try and figure this out. But when they test for thyroid problems and the test comes back negative, we're really starting to wonder what could be wrong. After they take more blood to run tests for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Rheumatoid arthritis, and Lupus my brother speaks up with an alternative; Charlene. A massage therapist / herbalist, who's a very intelligent woman, that listens to your body to know what's wrong with you. Now, mom and dad aren't really in to alternative medicine, but by this point, we're willing to try anything. Plus, Russ had great luck with her. She had cured his kidney, pancreas, and liver problems with nothing but herbs, and he had't even told her there were problems there. He knew there were problems there from trips to the doctor, but she knew there were problems from the massage. It's quite amazing to watch, really.

We schedule an appointment, and Russ takes mom for her first treatment. Charlene worked and worked and discovered fluid in mom's chest around her heart. She said that could be causing the rapid heart beats, as well as the dizziness. After one treatment, the dizziness is gone. She asked mom about her phantom pain pills, and told her that they were ruining her liver. So those pills went bye bye. Mom stopped taking them immediately, and after about 3 sessions with Charlene, he phantom pain was next to nothing. The only other thing Charlene could find wrong with mom was a signal coming from her head. Based on all the fluid build up (which apparently is common amongst depressed women) and the other symptoms, she felt as though the signal was telling her Depression was the problem. She worked with mom's mood, gave her herbs that were to improve your outlook......all kinds of things. Essentially, mom was better for a couple weeks. She felt better, but she had no strength. She wouldn't eat hardly anything, she was irritable, and confused a lot of the time.
She had to send Mammy to live with my uncle because of the simple fact that mom could no longer care for her. She couldn't even care for herself. Most of the time, it was a struggle to get up and go to the bathroom, and when she did, she was as winded as if she'd walked a mile.

Wednesday, April 18th, 2012, mom woke up and couldn't feel her right leg from the knee down. Couldn't lift her leg by herself, move her foot or any of her toes. She said it just felt numb. She was also having trouble forming words to even speak. Our first thought is stroke. Dad says enough is enough and takes her to the ER. Once there, he explains what's been going on with mom, but all the doctor on duty is concerned with is how she lost her arm. Even though my dad insists there's something wrong in her head, the doctor does a chest X-Ray instead. What does he find? Spots. Roughly a 1/2 inch in size. The same thing they saw in Kansas 4 years before. So he tells mom to follow up with an Oncologist. "After all, this is an Emergency Room. You just need a cancer doctor." He told them. So they left and came back home.

God's works are mysterious. I don't know an actual reason that the doctor didn't find the problem that day, but I know there was a reason.

Mom suffered the rest of that day, as well as the next day before she went back to see Charlene on April 20th. Once Charlene saw mom and how terrible she looked........weak, pale, unable to move her leg, or form simple words....she was scared, as well. Although mom's speech had mostly come back, Charlene's  first thought was a stroke. But once she examined mom, she thought it would be possible that a pinched nerve was involved. I mean, after all, mom had just woke up with the numbness. Maybe she'd moved wrong in the night, and her spine was pinched in a way to cause the nerves to go numb. She made mom a chiropractor appointment for the following morning and worked with her for 2 hours, but nothing changed in her leg. Mom left the massage feeling much the same as when she went in, all the while convincing herself that the leg problem was a pinched nerve.

That night, Charlene called saying she hadn't got mom out of her mind all day. She knew there was something else wrong besides a pinched nerve. She wanted to come to mom's house and bring a friend of hers that was a Registered Nurse to examine mom. Once there, the nurse agreed with Charlene about it seeming very stroke-like, and told mom that it could be a blood clot, stroke, or something else. But she needed to have it checked. She told them that if mom changed at all......AT ALL......to get her back to the ER and demand a scan of her brain. My parents agreed, and Charlene and the RN left.
Dad checked mom about every hour through the night. He would wake her, ask her how she was feeling, and then make her repeat a sentence to see how she was understanding things and speaking. About 3:15 AM, he woke her and she couldn't form words. At all. She was able to get across to him to call me to ride to the hospital with them, so I was called. I jumped in my clothes and got in the car. That was a scary ride to the hospital. I was trying to hold it together to be brave for mom, yet I was scared to death and praying to God that she'd be alright. I was then reminded that she would be. A few days before, I had been overcome with a need to pray for mom. It couldn't have been more clear to me if an audible voice had said it. A tap on the shoulder, and some words spoken to my head, and my heart; "You need to pray for your mom."
So I did. I don't know what I said when I prayed, or how long that I prayed, but when I finished, I was given peace to know that mom would be OK. Now was the time that I needed my faith to stay strong. I'd been given assurance that everything would be alright, I just needed to believe it.

In the ER, we were given a doctor who wasn't concerned with what had happened to mom's arm, but she was concerned with what was going on in her brain. She ordered a brain scan, and within 15 minutes of arriving, we were called to mom's bedside for the results. The cat scan had revealed a large tumor on the left side of mom's head, on top of her brain. The pressure from the tumor had cut of her ability to move her leg and talk, and it had grown so large that it had ruptured and was now bleeding, which was making everything worse. She was admitted and the rest of the family was called. I put notices on Facebook asking people to pray, we made phone calls and stayed in prayer most of the day ourselves. We knew that prayer was the only thing that could bring her through, so we wanted as many people on this case as possible.
As the day progressed, mom seemed to get worse. We didn't know until that night when Dr. Kutz came in that mom had been monitored all day, and the bleeding had stopped that morning, right around noon. We know who did that. God was on the scene.
Dr. Kutz pulled up the MRI they had done of mom earlier in the day, and I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. It was worse that I had thought. It looked as though the tumor covered the whole back left section of her brain. The doctor told us that the tumor needed to be removed, because if it wasn't, she would die. She'd only have a few days left. But if he did remove the tumor, she would probably suffer brain damage. The most likely would be that she would stay in the same condition she was in at that time. Not walking, and not talking. That was discouraging. Mom was there, she understood things we told her, but she just couldn't say anything back. I think that broke my heart worse than anything. Watching her cry because she couldn't talk.
Dad called Russ and I outside the room and asked our advice. He didn't want to lose mom, but he also didn't want her suffering by not being able to express her thoughts. We decided to leave the decision up to mom. Russ worked out a system with her so she could communicate. She would squeeze his hand if the answer was yes.
"Mom, do you understand what the doctor said?"
*squeeze*
"Do you want to have the surgery?"
*squeeze* And then she leaned forward on the bed and said "Get it OUT!"
That was what we needed to hear. Words spoken in a sentence, perfectly understood by all. The doctor had said that since the tumor had stopped bleeding, he would be able to wait until the next morning to do the surgery, but if we felt like it should be sooner, he would do it that night. Mom wanted to wait, and we did too. If he had done it that night, he wouldn't have had a team or some of the proper equipment, but the next morning, everything would be as close to perfect as he could get it.
I'll never forget what dad asked him after that;
"Before I agree to let you do this surgery, I have to know something. Are you a man that believes in God and the power of prayer? Do you know where your help comes from? Because if you don't, I'm not letting you lay a finger on my wife." 
My dad's pretty great about that. Dr Kutz reassured dad and even promised to call the family in for a special  prayer right before they wheeled mom in to the operating room.

The waiting began.

Our pastor and his wife came up that night and we all prayed over mom while she slept. She never knew we were there, but God did.
All night mom would drift in and out of sleep, all the while moaning and holding her head. When she would rouse, we would ask her if she wanted some pain medicine, but she'd refuse. We took turns staying in the room with her. First dad and myself, then my brother and sister-in-law. I had sent my husband home earlier in the day, not thinking that they would have the surgery so soon. But now I know why I'd sent him home. It was so I could be there for dad. We'd support each other, boost each others faith, talk about the Scriptures and how as long as we believe, anything we'd ask for would be given us. We also started praying that mom would not only be alright through the surgery, but that when she came out, at least she'd be able to talk. We didn't want her to be trapped within herself.

A pretty Sunday morning dawned bright and early. My husband arrived before 6 because they were planning to take her at 7 AM. When 7 came and she was still in her room, we didn't think much about it, but when 10 AM came and she was still there, we were a little upset. Come to find out there had been an accident early that morning and there was a person with a broken neck that had to be taken first. We were pushed to 11:55. At 12:30 when she was still in her room, we inquired again. More accidents had occurred, so we'd been put off again. Finally at 2 PM they came to get her for the final MRI before the surgery. By this time, more of the family had showed up and were waiting in the waiting room. After they took mom for the MRI, we were all shown to a different floor where the surgery would be held so we could wait there.
After the MRI, Dad, Russ and I were called to wait with mom in the prep room. The doctor came in and we prayed. It was great. Our faith was renewed, and we knew that she'd be OK. We told her we loved her and she was able to say "Love you too".  We were walking out the door when she looked at Russ and I and said "Kids.......I'll be OK."  Such wonderful words to hear. They wheeled her to surgery and we headed to the waiting room.
It was 3:30 PM and we had the assurance of at least 2 hours before we heard anything. In the waiting room, there were about 30 members of the extended family waiting there. My grandmas, mom's brothers and sister, their families, cousins, close friends, our pastor and his wife........and what do you think we did?
That's right. We prayed again. We're not some of those people that thinks you can pray one time and then you're done. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 "Pray without ceasing" If a little does good, we know a lot will do better!
Dr. Kutz came out to talk to us at 6 PM. The surgery was a complete success. They removed it all, and cleaned out all the excess blood. He didn't know how bad her brain had been injured because she was still asleep, but her left side seemed to function normally. We could see her in the ICU in about 1 1/2 hours, but she would be there for roughly 2 days. Then we could expect a 4 to 5 day stay in a normal hospital room, then we'd take it from there.

Dad went in first, but was back to get Russ and I within 2 minutes. As we walked into her room, mom started smiling. Her head was bandaged, but her color was already better than that morning.
"Hey! There's my kids! Look, guys, I'm talkin'!" 
If it hadn't been in the ICU, at night, when everyone is supposed to be quiet, I think we all would have started shouting. Not only had God answered our prayer about her making it through the surgery, but he answered the one about her talking too. I knew then and there that not only would He let her talk, but she'd be walking one day.

She only stayed in the ICU for 12 hours, and only stayed in the hospital from Saturday, April 21st, to Wednesday, April 25th. She started moving her leg again on her own on Tuesday, April 24th, much to the amazement of her doctors. It stayed partially numb for several days after that, and moving it was a struggle, but let me tell you something. She's walking today. She wiggles her foot and toes.
Yes, she is constantly tired. Yes, she still has trouble focusing on things sometimes. Yes, it will take a while. But she's coming back to herself. Every single day she gets more and more normal. The doctors didn't do that.
I'm very thankful for surgeons and doctors that have a God given knowledge of the human body and healing.......but they didn't do it on their own. God's hands are guiding them, and that's what I'm the most thankful for.

When you put both parts of the story together, you can really truly see how God was at work through the whole thing. All the way back from the incident with the weed trimmer. I think sometimes that maybe that was His way of releasing that cancer. I don't know. His timing isn't ours. But one thing is for certain; Mom is a walking, talking testimony of what God can do when we trust in Him.

As for those spots on her lungs, we're going back to the doctor in 3 months. I'm praying for them to be gone. To have just.......vanished. Because I know my God is capable of that. He may not remove them that way. And if He doesn't.......He has supplied us with other options of treatment.

It's a shame that we take life for granted most of the time, and it takes something serious like this to get us back in line where we need to be. After all, every breath you take is a miracle.
Thanks for taking the time to hear my miracle story. I hope it has touched your heart in some way, and you realize how very precious life is.

We want to give all the praise and glory to God, as well as our never ending thanks for this amazing gift!

 We are blessed!

God's Miracles---Part 1

I know that some readers still don't know me that well, but for the ones that do, you know my wonderful mom has had some problems recently. If you can call a green walnut sized tumor in your brain a "problem".
Anyway, I've been asked by several to tell her story, and why she is "a miracle". So I've decided to do that right here, because I want to tell as many people as I possibly can what happened to my family. I want people to know that God's still performing miracles......every day......even if they aren't as obvious as the one I'm going to tell you about.

I've experienced many miracles in my life. Some I recognize, some I don't, but the biggest one I've had, I want to tell you about now. I'm going to do it in two parts, because the story starts a long time ago.

Rewind the clock 8-10 years.

Mom has always been a hard worker. She'd held a job since before she and my dad married until I came along. Then they were in a financial state to where they felt like she could be a stay-at-home mom. So she home-schooled me, kept the house, cooked all the time, took care of my grandparents, ran errands, mowed the yard........she not only mowed for us, but for others as well. As I grew up, it was just part of my summer routine.
One day, we were mowing for my grandma and I couldn't get the trimmer started. I was getting pretty frustrated, which is the normal for me (especially at that time), so mom came over to help me.
After she had pulled on the cord a couple times, she rested, then gave one really REALLY hard pull. It started right up that time, but she had hurt her right shoulder. She said that she felt like she'd pulled something out of place, but we needed to finish the yard, so the pain was shoved to the back of her mind. Her arm was never the same after that. Her shoulder pain was almost constant, and no matter what she did, it just didn't seem to go back in to place.
Not long after that, she developed a knot on the front of her shoulder. We all thought it was from the shoulder being out of place, but no matter what happened the knot wouldn't leave. It stayed that way for several years, relatively small in size, but it hurt all the way down her arm. At times it even hindered her from playing her guitar.....which she loved.

In 2007, the pain was so bad there were times she couldn't raise her arm, so we convinced mom to see a chiropractor. The knot had grown since it first appeared, but we were all trying to talk ourselves in to thinking it hadn't.
She started seeing a local chiropractor, who told her the knot was a calcium formation, stemming from when she had injured her shoulder with the trimmer. He explained that, even thought nothing was really out of place, there had been a small fracture there, and her body was trying to heal it by sending calcium to the bone, but after the fracture had healed, the calcium hadn't stopped building.
This did make sense, and after all, he was the doctor. He'd taken X-Rays and everything. He started treatments to break loose the calcium 2 times per week. Mom would have a treatment (which hurt so bad it would bring her to tears), then the pain would be gone for a day or two and she would feel normal again. She did that for several weeks, but the relief wouldn't last over 2 days. Nothing ever worked for a long period of time. The knot grew.

Mom had an indication that something else was wrong besides calcium build up, but she never said until years later. I'm pretty sure it was dad that convinced mom to go to an actual doctor (not that chiropractors aren't doctors.......you know what I mean.) I believe it was early September in 2007 that she went to her normal physician to ask about the shoulder. They took more X-Rays and said there was definitely something there, and scheduled her an appointment with a specialist. Dad was working, so I drove mom to her appointment later that same day. I was newly engaged, to be married the following year, and the thought that something serious could be wrong with my mom had never hit me. I just thought she had a shoulder injury that she was too stubborn to see about. When the doctor walked in to the exam room and said he thought it was a tumor, I felt hot fear. The kind that starts at the top of your head and slowly pours down your whole body. We called dad to come up, because mom needed him for support, and he brought my fiance' because he knew I would need his support. She had the MRI and we were called with results that night. It was definitely a tumor that had developed in her shoulder, and she would need to go to Kansas City, KS to KUMED and see another specialist; Dr Kimberly Templeton.

The whole family went to this consultation. Dad, Russ (my brother) and me. Dr. Templeton, we feel, was the doctor that God led us to. She seemed to care, had a lot of smarts, and worked harder than we knew (during the time) to help us. When we met with her, we teased mom that she was the doctor for us because she carried a Diet Coke with her constantly. That got a little chuckle out of mom, but we were all so keyed up, we didn't have many more laughs for a while. Dr. Templeton met with us and explained that she was pretty sure it was a cancerous tumor and wanted a biopsy. The next few weeks are all a blur in my mind. I think it was so surreal to me that I just wanted to block it out. The main key points I remember; The biopsy revealed Chondrosarcoma Cancer at level 2 (with 1 being the best, 3 being the worst), the biopsy caused the knot in her shoulder to grow even more, if there was anything on mom's lungs......she wouldn't last but about 2 months because they couldn't do anything for it, and her arm would have to come off. The prayers started going heavy, even before they scheduled the scan for her lungs. One thing that drives me crazy about doctors is the fact that they know results of tests as soon as they see them, yet they don't want to reveal the results to you for days. We were scared to death after that scan, and we were just supposed to go get in a car and drive home. We did.....and prayed the whole way. About half way home, the cell phone rang. It was Dr. Templeton's nurse. She said she wanted to give us some good news; She had seen the scan, and mom's lungs looked perfect! Talk about a shouting meeting in the car! We felt so wonderful, we knew our prayers had been answered. Mom was still having to loose her arm, but we could keep her, and that's all that mattered.

November 6th, 2007 was surgery day. We didn't know it, but Dr Templeton had gone to Europe to see about an artificial shoulder she had helped develop. If she could have brought that back to the US, the could have saved mom's arm and just replaced her shoulder. But, the US wouldn't allow her to bring it back, so the arm had to go too.

More prayers.

The surgery was a complete success. The doctor said mom had done great, and didn't even need to be given any blood. She had taken biopsies of all tissue behind the tumor to make sure she got it all, and she had. We could see her in recovery in a couple hours.
I don't think I could ever forget seeing mom for the first time after the surgery. She looked really good. It was strange to me to see her right side all bandaged up, but I was just happy to see her. She stayed in the hospital for only 4 days and surprised us all by coming home so soon. As the weeks went by, we slowly got used to seeing mom with only one arm, and she slowly learned how to do things on her own.

We went back for her 3 month check up feeling positive that everything would be good. And it was. We were all on top of the world. But when we went back for the next 3 month check up, something was wrong. The doctor was taking way too long to come talk to us. We could just feel it, and I know mom could too because she hadn't really wanted to go back for this check up in the first place.
When the doctor came in, she said that there was indeed a problem. A couple spots had developed on the top of mom's left lung. They were roughly 1/2 inch in size and she was pretty sure it was the cancer. Once again I felt the hot fear pouring over me. This wasn't supposed to happen. Everything was supposed to be going good! I was getting married the next month, I needed mom to be OK!
Dr. Templeton said that there was nothing she could do except refer us to a lung specialist. Since Chondrosarcoma couldn't be treated with chemotherapy or radiation, surgery was the only answer. When we met with the lung doctor, he didn't really.......suit us. He said;
"Oh yeah. Pretty sure I agree with Dr. Templeton. This is Chondra......so we'll go in, do a lung biopsy, and when it proves I'm right, I'll go in and lop of the top part of that lung. No problem."
No problem. Sure. We just go through stuff like this every day! The odd thing is, the doctor didn't make an appointment with us before we left. He said that we needed to call back the following week to schedule it. We left that day with sad hearts and minds. Now, I know what you're thinking. God didn't answer your prayers because the cancer went to her lungs. Wrong. God did answer our prayers.......and in even more ways that we didn't know about until recently.
Dad mentioned what happened with the doctor at church the following Sunday. It was decided that we would do a healing service for her, and boy, was God there. Mom said she just felt like she had been touched and everything would be OK. After that day, mom called the doctor to make an appointment, and they just didn't have time for her. They promised to call her back the next day and didn't. This went on for a couple weeks, with mom calling every few days. After she called the 5th time, she did some serious praying. She prayed for a sign. If she called one more time and didn't get an appointment, she would know she wasn't supposed to go back. And that's what happened. She called and got put off again, so she didn't go back.

This is about half of the full story, so I'm going to take a break here. I'll be posting part two very soon, so I hope you will check back with me to hear the rest of our miracle.